It's not odd is it, that I'm more confused and (sad) about my birthday than I am happy and giddy? I don't know, maybe I got/grew attached to my age. Out of all the ages I've been, I think I liked me most at 21. Something about that number is so....errr, unstable but in the most normal and honest way. At 21, you aren't supposed to have it all figured out and sorted. You're supposed to just be and feel fresh, young and adventurous. You have to make silly mistakes and continue being awkward. I'm not sure which book these "supposed to's" are written in, but they're out there and it's very refreshing to know.
Even though I can convince so many people that I'm 17 or 18 on a daily basis, (but really that's generous because my face looks 15), being 21 felt good! And it made sense to me. I experienced so much life in the past year, so many feelings and moments... and also death. Maybe, a part of me is quietly realizing that for the first time ever, my grandma isn't here on my birthday. And because so much has been left behind, I'm hesitant about moving forward as a new age. Yes, age is JUST a number.... but it has so much power over you. When someone asks your age, and you say a number, it's like you catch yourself off guard. Really... that's how many years I've been alive? Like when 19 rolled into 20, it was such a whoahh moment because when we were 11, 20 seemed SO OLD. But life just happens and you don't even feel it moving. I think that's what's scary about growing up.
Every birthday (just like every new year in general), I used to complain about "being in the same place" as the year before and blah blah blah I suck and I'm unproductive and I'm going to rot in a loser hole. And sometimes it kind of was the case -- I cannot even begin to describe the length of my failed to-do lists. What I'm getting at is, for the FIRST TIME EVER, I actually did stuff! I landed my dream internship (one of), I learned how to deal with feelings and how to apply my spiritual center to the worldy part of my world....and I know exactly what career I want. I also feel better as a person....and I have this even more indescribable fascination with human beings. I love people. (Bleckh, sorry it's all MEEeeee. But it is my birthday. lol.)
And a tiny part of me possibly thinks that 21 is just a good one for me, and when I move on from it....it won't be the same. Am I insane?
I especially loved 21 because I felt so freeeee. Particularly because I believe I've discovered the art of maintaining a conversation and weaving it into an actual conversation that goes beneath the surface (not, "I'm Zareen, nice to meet you!" (I mean...you really haven't met them if they know only your name and nothing more) More like: "Hi, I'm the the new intern! It's actually only my second day and my hair refuses to cooperate. Please don't look at my head!"- actual real life event. We are now work buds.)
I swear, it's a life changing skill. We should put "conversation enthusiast" on our resumes instead of exaggerated job descriptions.
Anyway, I'm having attachment issues, that's really what all this is about. So strange that we can even get attached to ourselves.... the version of us we actually like and want people to see. Not that age changes that.... but I think it's a normal fear. (I hope.)
Birthdays are still nice, and I like the idea that my birthday is not only mine. My mom was there, too. :) *insert also, that recurring bit of how birthdays are not unbirthdays therefore special by default*
Okay but quick confession, I do plan on setting my alarm to T. Swift's song.
Because yes, everything will be alright ifff we just keep dancing like iiiit's....twentyyyy twoo oooh oooo. (Even if you feel 21.)
Be honest, all of the above is a side-effect of growing up, isn't it? Yuck.