Thursday, July 23, 2015

Adventures Await! But first... let me figure my feels out

HI! Pat on the back for me for coming back to this corner of the woods however many months later.

Well, I'm going to India this Sunday! My brother is getting married and all of us (yes, all) are packing up and heading off to an adventure. India --well, Hyderabad (because India India I have yet to explore) is a very interesting place. I love it and I never want to leave, but then at the same time I'm itching to see the Taj Mahal or the exquisite palaces of Rajasthan. But Hyderabad is where the heart is, yeah? Also where my brother's wedding is so I should just shut up and continue.

As you may know, I have severe attachment issues. (See previous blog post on attachment issues with one self. Weird, I know.) To tell you the truth, I'm still dealing with the loss of Dadi. More and more lately because I cannot help but think if she was still here and mentally healthy, how over the stars and moon excited she would be. Ramadan was tough, too. I kept remembering how my mom would hand her a khajoor (date) during iftar and she wouldn't know what to do with it. I miss her too much.

Our little trip is almost like the tangible "moving on" and "letting go" I've been struggling with since November. It's a new chapter for my brother, and an expedition without Dadi for us all... something that hasn't exactly happened before.

But I digress.

Back to my attachment situation.... *reader rolls eyes* Do you ever, in the midst of having the BEST DAY EVER, suddenly get quiet because you remember it's all temporary? That a month in India will be over in a snap and it'll all be back to "real life." (Whatever that is, I can never tell.) And then you remember that you have work the day after you land and then school starts in a week and it was all just a dream.  I get so sewn into the moment I'm in and the place I'm enjoying or the people I'm lovin' that I legitimately fear the end of it. It's so stupid isn't? I actually ruin the moment for MYSELF just by thinking thoughts.

 I'm a teensy tiny bit nervous that my energy levels will fluctuate between the above basically psychotic mind-frame and the aftermath of too much chai.

I expect too much, maybe just enough.... but still a lot. I think I just need to step away from myself and dig inside my head for that serendipitous, universe-believing freak I tend to be. That's my preferred version of me. Currently I might just be experiencing the side-effects of packing suit cases at 1 a.m. and when your Biscoff helplessly drowns in your tea. Not sure if that made sense but I think maybe I need a nap. Oh yeah, lately I'm referring to my "sleep" as naps. Dunno.

(Jeeeeez, 22 is weeeeeiiiiiiird.)

There's a whole adventure out there waiting to be captured by all of us. By out there I mean Hyderabad, of course. And if I could just get myself to TRULY FOR REAL go into it all with nothing in mind, I'll have done something right. And then maybe I should stop sounding like a crazy person. That would help.